Xenu Express

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Spacecraft Registry
MCU Xenu Express
Xenu Express.jpg
Xenu Express in UPS livery, 2006
Spacecraft Characteristics
Base HullDouglas DC-8-71(F)
Drive Type4x compression block
Drive RatingMax velocity 0.065c
OwnerSoviet Air Force, LLC
Flag of RecordPeople's Republic of Freedonia
FactionSoviet Air Force
Registry NumberN701uP (FAA)
WTF024 (Port Phobos)
Launched2 April, 2013
PurposeDeep-space research
Primary Crew$fnord
Other Crew$fnord
Operational StatusActive
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The Xenu Express was the first large vehicle purchase made by the Soviet Air Force during their 2013 expansion project. The Express originally belonged to United Parcel Service, as part of their fleet of cargo planes. The aircraft was grounded in 2010 in order to provide a ready source of spare parts for the remaining DC-8 fleet.

In late 2012, the VVS expansion project began to spin up, and the organization's Deep Space Exploration Command began looking for a suitable hull for a research vessel. Coincidentally, the Church of Scientology purchased several tracts of land in Daniell Crater near the domeside part of Korolev Air Force Base. A certain amount of tension[1] developed between the Central Committee and the Church, influencing the expansion project; once it was determined that the Church wasn't going to go away short of an airstrike (and unable to convince OGJ Supreme Command to approve one), the Central Committee decided to engage in a little creative mockery.

By this time, UPS had decided to put N701UP up for sale, and the VVS immediately put a bid on it. The original instrumentation and the engines had been removed, but the airframe and hull were more than sound enough for handwaving. After purchase, the VVS had N701UP transported to Korolev AFB and immediately began work. The interior (already hollowed out for cargo) was refit to accomodate crew quarters for 14 (4 crew and up to 10 on the science team) and sufficient room for instrument modules similar to those built for the Yuri Gagarin. New engines were provided by a Browncoat engineering firm looking to win new customers with a high-profile contract.

The Xenu Express participated in the 2013 Delta Pavonis expedition, and was the lead ship on the 2014 Barnard's Star survey.

Known Quirks

  • Fool to Feed the Fire: The engines run on the works of L. Ron Hubbard. A slurry composed of pulped copies of "Mission Earth," "Battlefield Earth" and "Dianetics" mixed with mineral oil pumped into the fuel tanks will keep the Express running at peak performance for six months.


  • Every time the Church of Scientology sues the VVS in an attempt to get the Express renamed, the ship gets a battle star. As of Yuri's Night 2015 the Xenu Express has earned seven battle stars and two oak clusters without seeing a milisecond of combat.


The Xenu Express has featured in the following stories:

Related Images


  1. Both parties objected to each others' existence on general principles; the VVS viewed the Church as a dangerous cult, and the Church viewed the VVS as a threat to freedom.